Life is a marathon, not a sprint !

8/6/2013

It isn't always obvious when things are going wrong in your life that often the most effective way to fix things is to take one step at a time.

This is especially true when a long term relationship ends. There are so many things that change at the same time, the children's care, finances, living arrangements, friends and even work.

On top of this smorgasbord of change, pile a large helping of emotional turmoil, helplessness, guilt and anger. What a mix !

Most people, men in particular tend to have a desire to fix things when they are broken. Naturally, when it feels like "everything" in my life is broken, I want to fix it all....... by bedtime........ so I can sleep.........

This desire is normal and healthy. It's the consequences, particularly during a divorce, which can be toxic.

Suddenly, you both have different opinions about everything, with one partner most likely, already having spent a lot of time considering their next steps ahead of the split, and the other living through an emotional haze.

So depending which partner you are, you're either frustrated with the slowness of sorting things, or terrified and angry that you even have to.

The important thing to remember in this circumstance, regardless of who you are, is SLOW DOWN !!

What has just happened is a Major Game Changer for everyone. This is particularly true for the children, if you have any.

Putting everything on the table to negotiate and finalise immediately, even if both parties are reasonable and amicable, can be a recipe for absolute disaster.

Care of the children gets traded off against financial payouts, what happens with the business, versus living in the matrimonial home, who gets the car or which furniture. The in-laws get involved and then the gloves come off.

12 months of separation is commonly required before there can be a divorce hearing, and a further 12 months after the marriage is annulled is allowed to resolve settlement of the assets.

You likely have 20,30, 40 or more years of life ahead of you and it is highly likely that you will have new directions and goals.

As you settle into being single again, you may find that you have thoughts about your future possibilities you hadn't considered before.

Take some time to let some of the emotional dust settle, before before establishing your needs going forward.

As I've said before - Sort the Children First. Set up a written parenting plan to give them and you (& your ex) the stability & assurance you all need to be able to move forward as calmly and rationally as possible.

Spend some time on your emotions and then take it one step at a time.

Ben

6 Comments

Pete Whittaker

9/6/2013 05:23:54 pm

Thanks Ben. It was about 15 years ago my wife decided to leave, with the kids, after 13 years of marriage, a 15 year relationship, telling me by phone when I was away looking after my mum after my dad's funeral. I had no idea we had that sort of problem in our marriage. It turned out I was the only one amongst my family that my wife was 'seeing' someone. Anyway, the anger and frustration, especially in trying to see my kids, was overwhelming. I was in the final year of my 4 year B Ed course, and suddenly it all fell apart. Then the emotional drop into the nightmare of course only made things worse - my tears and fears became the reason in my mind that the marriage fell apart. Even the emotional reaction to my father's sudden death became in my mind a kind of weakness, and I became convinced that I was not worthy to become a teacher when I was so obviously emotionally imbalanced. When I pushed to see my kids the wife contacted police and I was served with an AVO. I couldn't believe it. I never broke anything, never threatened anything only to talk about what it was that I'd done so wrong. I haven't trusted females enough since even to go out. I'm 54 now, and haven't had the confidence to go out with a woman since that event when I was 38. I still feel the frustration and sometimes the anger. I got to see the 3 kids irregularly, but piece by piece whatever stories were told they drifted from me, periods of long silences, and I would never speak bad about their mother to them, (all grown now) and the emotional distance between us has broken my heart. I never had an opportunity to speak my piece about it, to unload the hurt, so thanks.

Michael

9/6/2013 07:38:17 pm

Hi Pete. I have just turn 42 and been separated for nearly 3 years now. At the start I was seeing my kids every couple of days before I went to work if I had afternoon shifts and sometimes every second weekend. About a year ago my ex moved about 6 hours from me by car and I was traveling at least once a month to go and see them. Now I have met another girl and she is really pushing for me to go to mediation so I can bring my kids to me on a regular basis. I had gone to mediation prior to this. So, I went to mediation and had an interview and they said they would forewarn all correspondence to my ex. Now, when she received this letter all hell broke loose. I had my 13 year old son hating me and won't talk to me because he must have been told by his mother something negative. My point is here is that I am so terrified that I will lose my bond with my kids and after reading your story, I really don't want that to happen to me.

Ben

13/6/2013 09:21:43 pm

Hi Michael,
To live in fear of taking another step is a terrible thing.

Especially if you know it is the right thing to do for you.

Your children will grow and come to see things in a more adult light.

Being with them and being fearful of losing them because you want to see them more than you do is something they will feel.

There's lots of things to do and lots of things to say for them.

Ben

13/6/2013 09:23:43 pm

I really feel in life it important to take the steps that feel like the right thing, even if I am afraid of them.

Your circumstance may be so clearly against you that this is not possible for you.

I wish you the best regardless.

Ben

Ben

9/6/2013 05:42:22 pm

Hi Pete, Thanks for sharing. I do work with guys who want to get things back on track. It sounds like a lot of water under the bridge for you but it is never too late !

Drop me a line at ben@divorceandmenaustralia.com or go to the contacts section of this page if you want to talk directly.

Ben

Tony

9/6/2013 08:41:34 pm

Life is a marathon, not a sprint !

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