It isn't always obvious when things are going wrong in your life that often the most effective way to fix things is to take one step at a time.
This is especially true when a long term relationship ends. There are so many things that change at the same time, the children's care, finances, living arrangements, friends and even work.
On top of this smorgasbord of change, pile a large helping of emotional turmoil, helplessness, guilt and anger. What a mix !
Most people, men in particular tend to have a desire to fix things when they are broken. Naturally, when it feels like "everything" in my life is broken, I want to fix it all....... by bedtime........ so I can sleep.........
This desire is normal and healthy. It's the consequences, particularly during a divorce, which can be toxic.
Suddenly, you both have different opinions about everything, with one partner most likely, already having spent a lot of time considering their next steps ahead of the split, and the other living through an emotional haze.
So depending which partner you are, you're either frustrated with the slowness of sorting things, or terrified and angry that you even have to.
The important thing to remember in this circumstance, regardless of who you are, is SLOW DOWN !!
What has just happened is a Major Game Changer for everyone. This is particularly true for the children, if you have any.
Putting everything on the table to negotiate and finalise immediately, even if both parties are reasonable and amicable, can be a recipe for absolute disaster.
Care of the children gets traded off against financial payouts, what happens with the business, versus living in the matrimonial home, who gets the car or which furniture. The in-laws get involved and then the gloves come off.
12 months of separation is commonly required before there can be a divorce hearing, and a further 12 months after the marriage is annulled is allowed to resolve settlement of the assets.
You likely have 20,30, 40 or more years of life ahead of you and it is highly likely that you will have new directions and goals.
As you settle into being single again, you may find that you have thoughts about your future possibilities you hadn't considered before.
Take some time to let some of the emotional dust settle, before before establishing your needs going forward.
As I've said before - Sort the Children First. Set up a written parenting plan to give them and you (& your ex) the stability & assurance you all need to be able to move forward as calmly and rationally as possible.
Spend some time on your emotions and then take it one step at a time.
Ben
This is especially true when a long term relationship ends. There are so many things that change at the same time, the children's care, finances, living arrangements, friends and even work.
On top of this smorgasbord of change, pile a large helping of emotional turmoil, helplessness, guilt and anger. What a mix !
Most people, men in particular tend to have a desire to fix things when they are broken. Naturally, when it feels like "everything" in my life is broken, I want to fix it all....... by bedtime........ so I can sleep.........
This desire is normal and healthy. It's the consequences, particularly during a divorce, which can be toxic.
Suddenly, you both have different opinions about everything, with one partner most likely, already having spent a lot of time considering their next steps ahead of the split, and the other living through an emotional haze.
So depending which partner you are, you're either frustrated with the slowness of sorting things, or terrified and angry that you even have to.
The important thing to remember in this circumstance, regardless of who you are, is SLOW DOWN !!
What has just happened is a Major Game Changer for everyone. This is particularly true for the children, if you have any.
Putting everything on the table to negotiate and finalise immediately, even if both parties are reasonable and amicable, can be a recipe for absolute disaster.
Care of the children gets traded off against financial payouts, what happens with the business, versus living in the matrimonial home, who gets the car or which furniture. The in-laws get involved and then the gloves come off.
12 months of separation is commonly required before there can be a divorce hearing, and a further 12 months after the marriage is annulled is allowed to resolve settlement of the assets.
You likely have 20,30, 40 or more years of life ahead of you and it is highly likely that you will have new directions and goals.
As you settle into being single again, you may find that you have thoughts about your future possibilities you hadn't considered before.
Take some time to let some of the emotional dust settle, before before establishing your needs going forward.
As I've said before - Sort the Children First. Set up a written parenting plan to give them and you (& your ex) the stability & assurance you all need to be able to move forward as calmly and rationally as possible.
Spend some time on your emotions and then take it one step at a time.
Ben
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